Money from God -- Santa Singh

 

 

Santa Singh needed some money desperately. Some one told him that if he goes and prays at Gurudwara, Mosque, Church and a temple, that his prayers would surely be answered. So Santa goes to a Gurudwara, and prays there. Then he goes to a Mosque and prays. Than he goes to a church to prays.  Then he goes to a Shiv temple. The temple had a large Lord Shiva statue.  Santa closes his eyes, bows his head, joins his hands and says his prayer.
Santa: "Ho Jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Saannoo 100 rupayen chahiye. Kirpa karo."
The priest saw Santa praying. He wante to help Santa but knew that a Sikh will never accept the money. So he drops a 100-rupee note, from behind the statue, so that Santa cannot see him.
After Santa said his prayers, he opened his eyes. He saw the note and thought that god has listened to his prayers. He takes the note and goes away.
However he is back again next day for money.
Now the priest is really annoyed with Santa. The Priest decides that he is not going to give any more money to Santa.
He changes the big Shivji statue with smaller one of Ganapathi that day.
Once again Santa goes to the prayer room. However he does not notice the difference. Santa closes his eyes, bows his head, joins his hands and says his prayer.
Santa: "Ho Jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Ajj to saannoo 50 rupayen hi chahiye. Kirpa karo."
After that he slowly opens his eyes and does not find any money.
Santa: "O papa jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Asee 10 rupayen me hi kaam chala lenge. Kirpa karo jee."
After that he slowly opens his eyes and does not find any money.  He slowly raises his head and now notices that small Ganapthi statue.
He carefully looks left and than right, and than slowly moves a bit forward near the statue.
Than he whispers to the statue: "Beta, Papa kitthe hai!"

 

 

 

Relaxing

 

 

 


One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in America. A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing"

Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh". Another Guy Came and asked the same Question.

Sardar answered " No No Me Banta Singh". Third one came and asked the same question.

Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach. He went and asked him " Are you Relaxing?" Another Sardar was much educated and answered Yes I am relaxing.

 

The Sardar slapped him on his face and said "Salay, Sab tere Ko wahah doond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai."

 

 

 

Job Search

 

 

 


Santa ji naukri dhoond rahe they, India mein to kahi se call aayee nahin..."yahaan to companiya mere standard kee nahin hai khair !!"

Ab aaayee videsh ki baari... wahan se to ji pehali baar mein hi reply aa gaya. bade khush...daru-sharu di party de dali. dost poocchne lagge ki, bhai, bata to kon si company hai, kitni salary hai...vagairah-2. To Santa ne apni Appointment Letter sab ko dikhayi. English mein likha tha --- "Dear Mr. Santa, You do not meet our requirements no further correspondence will be entertained"

Sab Santa ke dost daaru pi ke to pad nahin sakte the aur wo bhi English????

So Santa ne TRANSLATE kiya Santa: Arey Angrezi ich letter aayeaa haiga, main hune tonuu translate kaar ke suna riya haaan .. To suno ki likhya hai......

"Dear Mr. Santa" ---- Sade pyarey Mishterrr Santa

"You do not meet" ----- tum to milte hi nahin ho...bahut busy ho.

"our requirements" ----- Humhe to bahut zarooorat hai.

"no further correspondence" ----- Aage chitthi patri di jarurat nahin hai, jaise bhi ho jaldi se aa jao "will be entertained"---- Bahut khatir ki jayegi

 

Train Journeyญญญญญญญญญ

 

 

After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express. Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed.

When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's birth. Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.

Santa Singh explained, " That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

 

More Santa Banta jokes 

 


A Sardar, a Japanese, and a Britisher were shipwrecked on a deserted island. One day they came upon an old lamp buried in the sand.

As they brushed the sand from the lamp a Genie appeared and said "I'll give each of you one wish."

The Japanese said, "I wish I was home!" PUFF and he was gone!

The britisher said "I wish I was home!" PUFF and he too was gone.

The sardar said, "Boy is it lonely here! I wish my friends were back!"

 

 

Santa Singh and Banta Singh were walking down a street. They saw a pile of something that sparked their interest. "Looks like shit" Banta Singh said.

"Yup, yup, looks like shit." Santa Singh answered. "Smell it, see if it smells like shit." Banta Singh told him.

So Santa Singh smells it and says, "Yup smells like shit."

"Feel it, see if it feels like shit." Banta Singh said.

"Yup, sure feels like shit." Santa Singh answers.

"Taste it, maybe it tastes like shit." Banta Singh told Santa Singh.

"Yup, yup. Tasted like shit." Santa Singh said.

"Well, if it looks like shit, smells like shit, feels like shit, and tastes like shit, it must be a pile of shit." Banta Singh concluded.

"I'm sure glad we didn't step in then."

 

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A cop pulls up two drunken sardars, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"

"I'm Banta Singh Singh, of no fixed address."

The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.

"I'm Santa Singh Singh, and I live in the flat above Banta Singh."

 

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Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed themselves a job at a sawmill.

Just before morning tea Santa Singh yelled: "Banta Singh ! I lost my finger!

"Have you now?" says Banta Singh. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn!

There goes another one!"

 

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A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks him,"Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?" To this the man replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai,"Wash Basin".

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Santa singh stares at the examination paper for 5 Minutes & starts removing his clothes. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, Iam only following the instructions yaar," he says," it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief'.

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This sardarji goes to see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he starts cowering in hisSeat. His friend tells him " sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai , cinema hi to hai" . Sardarji replies "Haan Ji ,Aadmi hoon mujhe pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata ki cinema chal raha hai "

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One day there was a Bihari going in a Fiat Car at 45 KMPH on a high way, enjoying his drive. Suddenly a Sardaji came Booiiiiiiiiinnnnn on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted at the Bihari - ' Kabhi honda chalaya kya?' and sped off, The Bihari was surprised but he did not bother. After some time the Sardarji cameBooiiiinnnnnnnnnnn... in the opposite direction, peeped into the car and shouted again ' kabhi honda chalaya kya? When this was repeated several times the Bihari got really annoyed. He increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found the Sardar lying on the road, bleeding. He got down and mocked at the sardar 'Kyon Sardarji , Kabhi Honda chalaye kya?' The sardar said ' Wohi to pooch raha tha Mein , Honda mein brakes kidhar hain wohi dhoond raha tha'

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Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME , AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary Expected He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote :Yes

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Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job .He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. Aftermuch thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. On seeing this in his appln. form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE. Again our sardar thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.

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Sardarji is buying a TV."Do you have color TVs?" "Sure." "Give me a green one, please."

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Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says Yes , if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one . He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and again barefeet!"

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Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?" " Just a sec," comes an answer "Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up!

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Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar to Jalandhar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening but he reaches the third day. His distraut mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya ?" The sardarji replied, "Oy, ye Mrutti wale pagal ho gaye hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaae hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik ?"

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Elizabeth Taylor once boarded a plane. Everybody around greeted her. Since the plane was crowded she had difficulty in finding a seat. She saw our Sardar Balwinder Singh who was sitting next to a vacant seat. She went up to him and introduced herself saying in her cool sexy voice, "Hi, I am Elizabeth Taylor... Liz to you." Balwinder was bewildered but immediately responded, "Hi I am Balwinder .. Balls to you."

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Two sardarjis were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like anything. So the other asked,"Why are you crying?" The first one replied, "I came here for blood test" Second one asked,"So? Are you afraid?" First one replied,"No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger" Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked other, "Why are you crying?" The other replied,"I have come for my urine test."

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Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?" The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

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Santa Singh was brought to court on charges of drunken driving. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order! Order!" Santa responded immediately, "Thank you , your honour! I'll have a scotch with soda."

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What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies ? He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!


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A sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up and says " Hello, how did you know I was here?"


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Did you hear about the sardar who signed all him checks so no one else could use them if he lost his checkbook?


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Did you hear about the sardar who asked him friends to give him all their burnt out light bulbs?

He just bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom.


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Banta Singh was painting his living room one hot day. "Why", his friend Santa Singh asked him, "are you wearing two jackets?".

"Because," said Banta Singh, "The directions on the can say so.


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We're almost there," said the Santa Singh to Banta Singh. "See those two houses over there... mine's the one in the middle!"


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Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge? They're there for those who don't drink.


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Why do sardars have see-through lunch box lids? So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.


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Why couldn't the sardar write the number "eleven"? He didn't know which "one" came first...


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LETTER FROM A SARDAR ' S LOVING MOTHER

 

 

 


Pyaarey puttar,

 

Vahe Guru. I \' m writing this letter slow, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read n the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they wouldn't have to change their address.


This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.


The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.


The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.


Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him.  He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.


Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.


Your uncle, Jatinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time.

Nothing much has happened.

 

Love Mom.

 

P.S: I was going to send you some money but the Envelope was already sealed

 

Landing Problem 

 

 

Santa and Banta were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After a while, just drinking gets boring, so Santa looks at the Banta and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"
Banta says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"
So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk Santa starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by.
Santa says, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up
"Shit!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?"
But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.
Getting pretty irritated, Santa says to Banta, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die."
So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt. When they crawl out of the wreckage, Santa swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway.
"I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"
Banta looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"

 

 

 

 

 

Indian Names

 

 


 Q. What is the opposite of Gopalakrishnan?

 A comepalakrishnan.

 Q. What is the opposite of Subramnium Swamy

 A. Subramanium Didn't See Me.

 

 Q. How do they start a road race in Tamil Nadu

 A. Ready....Steady.....PO

 

 Q. What do you call a really colorful Tamilian?

 A. Rangamannar Rangarajan

 

 MALAYALEE JOKES:

 Q. What do you call an amazing Malayalee?

 A. Pheno Menon.

 

 Q. What do you call a dashing Malayalee?

 A. Debo Nair.

 

 Q. Why do they require 5 people for a Malayalee funeral?

 A. Four to carry the coffin and one person to carry the two-in-one.

 

 Q. Why did the Malayalee cross the road?

 A. To join the trade union on the other side.

 

SINDHI JOKES:

 

 What do you call:

 

 Q. A god fearing Sindhi?

 A. Bhagwandas Godwani

 

 Q. A Sindhi painter?

 A. Sadarangani

 

 Q. A Sindhi chef?

 A. Papadmull Kukreja

 

 Q. A Sindhi electrician?

 A. Voltram Bijlani

 

 Q. A Sindhi milkman?

 A. Gopal Dudeja

 

 Q. A Sindhi pest control contractor?

 A. Khatmull Marwani

 

 Q. A Sindhi stripper working in New York?

 A. Barbra Jhangiani

 

 Q. A Sindhi casanova?

 A. Prem Kissinchandani

 

 Q. A Sindhi fire-engine?

 A. Bhambhani

 

 Q. A Sindhi detergent?

 A. Neelam Rin-dani (Rin is a Detergent)

 

 Q. A Sindhi postman?

 A. Mailwani

 

 Q. A communist Sindhi?

 A. Karl Lal-wani (Lal for the red communist flag)

 

 Q. A forgetful Sindhi?

 A. Bulo Bhulchandani

 

 Q. A fat Sindhi?

 A. Hathiramani

 

 Q. A downtrodden Sindhi?

 A. Nichani

 

 Q. A corrupt Sindhi?

 A. Chaipani (Chai-pani is colloquial for 'bribe')

 

 Q. A Sindhi fly?

 A. Makhija

 

 Q. A Sindhi who falls from the 1st floor?

 A. Thad-ani (Thud-ani)

 

 Q. A Sindhi who falls from the 10th floor?

 A. Kriplani (Cripple-ani)

 

 Q. A Sindhi who falls from the 25th floor?

 A. Mar-jani

 

 MAHARASHTRIAN JOKES:

 

 Q. What do you call a Maharashtrian tailor?

 A. Sadashiv.

 

 Q. Which Maharashtrians wrote the book 'Apartheid in South Africa?'

 A. Dhaval Gore and Krishnakant Kale.

 

 GUJJU JOKES:

 

 Q. Why did the Gujjus think the man who acted as Gandhi in the film was a woman?

 A. Because his name was 'Ben' Kingsley.

 

 Q. Why does the Gujju go to London?

 A. To see his Big Ben.

 

 Q. Why did the visitor to the Gujju home run away when he was offered tea?

 A. Because the Gujju said he would serve snakes with it. (Snacks)

 

 Q. What is a Gujju picnic called?

 A. A snake (snack) in the grass

 

 Q. Why did the American get scared of the Gujju?

 A. Because he said 'Sue kare chhe.'

 

 Q. What did the Gujju mean when he said, Maro dikro STATES gayon?

 A. His son failed in statistics.

 

 Q. Maro dikro Dubai gayo?

 A. My son drowned.

 

 Q. Which programs do gujjus couples love to watch on tv ?

 A Be-watch (Baywatch, Be in gujju is 2)

 

 Q. What do you call a knee less gujju ?

 A. Nilesh (Pronounced Nee-Less)

 

 BENGALI JOKES:

 Q. An angry Bengali letter?

 A. Chitti-chitti Bong Bong

 

 Q. A talkative Bengali?

 A. Bulbul Chatterjee

 

 Q. An outlawed Bengali?

 A. Kanoon Banerjee

 

 Q. An enlightened Bengali?

 A. Jyoti Basu

 

 Q. A Bengali who works?

 A. A work of fiction

 

 Q. A stupid Bengali girl?

 A. Balika Buddhu

 

 Q. A Bengali marriage?

 A. Bedding

 

 Q. A Bengali voyeur?

 A. Keyhollo

 

 Q. A mad Bengali?

 A. In Sen (insane)

 

 Q. A dark Bengali who lives in a cave?

 A. Kalidas Guha

 

 Q. A Bengali mobster?

 A. Robin Ganguli

 

 Q. A perfumed Bengali?

 A. Chandan Dass

 

 Q. A Bengali goldsmith?

 A. Shonar Bongla

 

 

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