Marriage

 


Part I 

 

Typical macho man married typical a good-looking lady and after the wedding laid down the following rules "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

 

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

 

 

Part II

 

 


 

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever."

 

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

 

Three Wishes

He was a poor.....a hungry, thirsty bum. He was looking for food in a garbage can, when suddenly he finds a can of beer. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out.

"You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them."

"OK, OK," and without hesitation he says, "first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water.

Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.......a toilet!

 

 

 

Man

 


God created the donkey and said to him. "You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiring from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years." The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years" God granted his wish.

..........................................................

 

God created the dog and said to him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years. You will be a dog. " The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give me only 15 years. " God granted his wish.

..........................................................

 

God created the monkey and said to him: "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. " The monkey answered: "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish.

..........................................................

 

Finally God created man and said to him: "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years." Man responded: Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted man's wish

..........................................................

And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

 

Then when his children are grown, he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

 

 

Harley Davidson and God

The inventor of the Harley Davidson  Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
   
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."  
 
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
 
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
 
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!"
 
Arthur said, "ya, that's me..."
   
God commented, "Well, what a big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"
 
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???"  
 
God said, "Ah,  yes."
 
"Well,"  said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
 
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;  
 
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
 
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
 
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;  
 
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
 
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
 
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
 
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

 

 

 

Brakes

 

 

 


A truck driver came upon a couple making passionate love in the middle of the road.

He blew his horn, blinked his lights and yet the couple never missed a stroke! The driver stopped, got out and shouted at them, "Are you crazy, didn't you here my horn, see my lights, didn't you know I was Coming?"

The horny young man said, "Yes, I knew you were Coming! I knew she was Coming and I knew I was Coming! I also knew you were the only one here with brakes!"

 

 

 

Letter to Abby

 

 

 


  Dear Abby:

 

 I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée’s mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire    wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

 

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.

 

Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

 

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...

 

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

 

Abby, should I tell my fiancée' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

 

 Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

 

 

 

CORPORATE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

 

 

 


SICK DAYS.

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

SURGERY.

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

 

PERSONAL DAYS.

Each employee will receive 104 personal days each year. They are called, "Saturday" and "Sunday."

 

VACATION DAYS.

All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1st, July 4th & December 25th.

 

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE.

Bereavement is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for your dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

 

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH.

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

 

RESTROOM USE.

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:20 to 8:40; and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict, 3-minute time limit inside the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

 

LUNCH BREAK.

a) Skinny people get 1 hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy.

b) Middleweight people get 30 minutes for lunch, so they can get a balanced meal to maintain their average figures.

c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time they need to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

 

DRESS CODE.

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing a pair of $350.00 Prada running shoes & carrying a $600.00

Gucci bag, we will assume that you are doing well financially & therefore do not need a raise.

 

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

 

Have a nice week.

 

Management

 

 

THE CHUTNEY JAR

 




Mom comes to visit her son Ashwin for dinner...who lives in LA with a girl roommate Jyoti... During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Ashwin's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ashwin and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Ashwin volunteered,” I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Jyoti and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jyoti came to Ashwin saying,” Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote;
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Ashwin

several days later, Ashwin received an email from his Mother, which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jyoti, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jyoti. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now.

Love,
Mom

 

 

Interview

 

 

 


Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

 

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Dave did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

 

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "You have no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

 

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch; he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?” he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no friggin ears!"

 

 

 

Elevator

 

 

 


An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They > were amazed by almost everything they saw, but > especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move > apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light  up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

 

 

 

The Rabbi meets the IRS

 

 

 


A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS.  His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi.  He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says,

"Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"

 

The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in awhile they send us a free candle."

 

The kid says,

 

"And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"

 

The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."

 

The kid says, smirking

 

"And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"

 

The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."

 

 

The Coin

 



A father walks into a market followed by his twelve-year-old son. The kid is spinning a coin in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the markets someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and dad starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.
 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and th en ever more firmly. Afte r a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
 
"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a divorce lawyer."

 

 

 

The Mind's Eye...

 



Professor Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smyth, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smyth gasped, then said coldly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question for you to ask me.  I can assure you that my parents will hear of this incident!" 
 
With that Miss Smyth sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Professor Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the very same question.
       
Miss Johnson, with complete composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye; in dim light."
       
"Correct, Miss Johnson," said Professor Perkins.  "And now, Miss Smyth, I have three things to say to you " and

"One, you have not studied your lesson."
       
"Two, you have a dirty mind."
       
"And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

 

 

Hot Air Baloon

 

 


A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

 

 

 

Student

 

 

 


It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.  The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

 

Who said, "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.  "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.

 

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?  Again, no response except from

Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

 

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.  Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

 

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."  "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

 

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."  The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"  Again, Suzuki says,

"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

 

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"  Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to

Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

 

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit.  If you say anything else, I'll kill you."  Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice,  "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

 

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" and Suzuki said, "The

Taliban! 2001."

 

 

 

Q. What’s the difference between condoms and coffins?

A. They both hold something stiff but one's Coming and one's going!

 

 

 

 

 

Top 10 List

 

 


10)      He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. 

            She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

 

9)         She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

            He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

 

8)         He said ... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. 

            She said...Well you succeeded.

 

7)         He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'

            She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

 

6)         On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."

            Written just below it: "I do not."

 

5)         He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"

            She said..."That's a good idea ... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart

 

4)         Priest...'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband. 

            She said...'Who's gonna look?'

 

3)         He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?

            She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

 

2)         He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. 

            She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

 

And the number 1

 

1)         He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

            She said...I would, but you're never there

 

 

 

 

Cultural Dating

 

 

 


WHITE WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
1-year anniversary: You got yourself a nymphomaniac.
She wants it all the time. All positions
 
ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents; her mom makes spaghetti andmeatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you andinsists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together andhate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
 
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
 
JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
 
CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothinghappensagain.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and
you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
 
INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
 
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensivedinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant.
 
LATIN WOMAN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get herdrunk on Reunite, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister'sboyfriend and live happily ever after eatingrice and beans in the Bronx.

 

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