A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned.
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi, "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

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Six inches long

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.
But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"
The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about six inches long."

Who Am I ?

One Monday morning, a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes, Banta the homeowner is coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow, looks like you guys had a hell of a party this weekend," the mailman comments.
Banta replies, "We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over and things got a bit wild. We got so drunk that we started playing 'Who Am I?'"
The mailman says, "How do you play that?"
Banta continues, "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our units showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "I'm sorry I missed that."
Banta responds, "But your name was guessed four or five times."

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Santa and Banta decide they want to go back to school. When they get to the nearest high school, Santa tells Banta to wait outside and he'll go in and get them qualified as students.
When Santa meets the principal, he tells him his story, and why they want to come back to school. In turn, the principal agrees.
The principal says, "Well, I'm not sure what class we should start you two off with, but I would suggest a logic class."
Santa replies, "Logic class, what's that?"
The principal says, "Well, it teaches you that you can figure out things from a given amount of information. I'll give you an example, do you own a lawnmower?"
Santa nods.
"Okay, so that probably means you own a house."
Santa nods again.
"That means you probably have a wife, and are heterosexual."
Santa nodded again, he was in awe. He went back outside to Banta, and told him their first class would be Logic. Banta says, "Logic? What's that?"
Santa says, "All right, I'll give you an example, do you own a lawnmower?"
Banta shook his head and said, "No."
To which Santa replied, "Oh, my God, I never knew you were gay!"

Flower show!

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over the other and said, "Life is so boring, we never have any fun these days. For ten bucks, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other guy, holding up ten bucks.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall. His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.
"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for best dried arrangement!"


Santa's wife, Jeeto, went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table.
Jeeto did so, as the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts."
After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"
"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from the ear."

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A Cardiologist died and they're having his funeral. The coffin was placed in front of a huge heart.
When the priest finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, then the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
The man replied "I was thinking about my own funeral" the first man asked... "What's so funny about that?" He responded... "I'm a gynecologist."

The artwork!

The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class?"
"Let's start with you, Robert."
"The artwork," says Robert.
"Very good. And you, Peter?"
"Her tits!" says Peter.
"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall,' responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnnie?"
"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

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Bill Gates

Bill Gates dies...

"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that infernal Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"
"Sure!" said Bill.
"Let's go!" Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, lying in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!!
Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"
To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."
"As you desire," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How ya doing,' Bill?" asked God.
Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh, THAT!" said God.

"That was the screen saver !"

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